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Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Hmm, I endeavour to write meaningfully- and so I shall post this little excerpt here, which I intially left as a draft for the previous post, but deleted- because it seemed somewhat out of place.
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To anyone out there, who may be/has been suffering from self-esteem issues, I feel you, because I was once there myself.
I had an irrational dislike with regards to myself, which lasted- for so long, despite all my attempts to hide it. It went beyond physical appearances- but it penetrated into the soul;
Why couldn't I have done _________ better?
Why am I thinking like this?
What is wrong with me?
Why can't I look better?
concluding in this thought, which repeatedly manifested in my mind:
I am simply, a distasteful human- physically, and innately.
I don't know how to explain this train of thought- but it was a neverending cycle of negativity, eternally battling against my innate positivity and joy. Which, after a long period of time, stress, and unfortunate circumstances,
Won,
(although I tried extremely hard to regain back my former, positive self.)
And then, at one of my lowest points (I went through quite a few, to be honest) ,I rediscovered this verse- which ended all my self-esteem issues; I can't explain why, or elucidate- but there was an instance where I read this at a particular moment, and in that specific moment, my soul was entirely and completely soothed.
I can't even clarify further- since in all honesty- I did read the verse before.. and felt absolutely nothing. I don't feel that "Wai O Wai am I not ____ enough" feeling anymore.
It's replaced by this feeling of contentedness with who I am.
A long time ago, I did possess this contentedness, but I lost it (I can't even remember how!)
And now I got it back- and I am truly blessed.
My words don't do that much justice, but I shall leave this verse here.
Psalms 139:11-19
"If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
For You have formed my inward parts;
You have covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sane;
When I awake, I am still with You."
Extraordinarily soul-soothing, to know that one could be so preciously treasured, by the Almighty LORD!
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I still dislike photography of Self though- it's just that I find that in some angles, I don't look aesthetically pleasing to the eye; and if I don't look aesthetically pleasing,
why photograph the Self?
Heh, some things will never change- albeit slowly, if change does occur!
11:24 PM
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History.is.bunk
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
Outgoing
I'm far too lazy, alas!
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