Not all chatter is foolish

2012-02-01T23:24:00.007+08:00

Hmm, I endeavour to write meaningfully- and so I shall post this little excerpt here, which I intially left as a draft for the previous post, but deleted- because it seemed somewhat out of place.

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To anyone out there, who may be/has been suffering from self-esteem issues, I feel you, because I was once there myself.
I had an irrational dislike with regards to myself, which lasted- for so long, despite all my attempts to hide it. It went beyond physical appearances- but it penetrated into the soul;

Why couldn't I have done _________ better?
Why am I thinking like this?
What is wrong with me?
Why can't I look better?

concluding in this thought, which repeatedly manifested in my mind:

I am simply, a distasteful human- physically, and innately.

I don't know how to explain this train of thought- but it was a neverending cycle of negativity, eternally battling against my innate positivity and joy. Which, after a long period of time, stress, and unfortunate circumstances,

Won,

(although I tried extremely hard to regain back my former, positive self.)

And then, at one of my lowest points (I went through quite a few, to be honest) ,I rediscovered this verse- which ended all my self-esteem issues; I can't explain why, or elucidate- but there was an instance where I read this at a particular moment, and in that specific moment, my soul was entirely and completely soothed.

I can't even clarify further- since in all honesty- I did read the verse before.. and felt absolutely nothing. I don't feel that "Wai O Wai am I not ____ enough" feeling anymore.
It's replaced by this feeling of contentedness with who I am.

A long time ago, I did possess this contentedness, but I lost it (I can't even remember how!)

And now I got it back- and I am truly blessed.

My words don't do that much justice, but I shall leave this verse here.

Psalms 139:11-19

"If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me,"
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

For You have formed my inward parts;
You have covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.

My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sane;
When I awake, I am still with You."

Extraordinarily soul-soothing, to know that one could be so preciously treasured, by the Almighty LORD!

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I still dislike photography of Self though- it's just that I find that in some angles, I don't look aesthetically pleasing to the eye; and if I don't look aesthetically pleasing,

why photograph the Self?

Heh, some things will never change- albeit slowly, if change does occur!

2012-01-29T23:33:00.009+08:00

I read this somewhere:

When the Israelites defeated the Philistines at a place called Beth-Car, the prophet Samuel took a stone, stood it up and "named it Ebenezer, saying, 'Thus far the Lord has helped us.'" (1 Samuel 7:12, NIV) Ebenezer literally means "stone of help," and Samuel erected it as a reminder for all that God had provided a victory, that He had cared for His children.

We humans are a forgetful people. It's easy to poke fun at Israel for not remembering God's power, to laugh at the Apostles as they repeatedly don't get it. But despite our cries of "surely not I, Lord,” the truth is humanity is still pretty much the same. We believe in God, but stroll through life forgetting He is active. We pray passionately, but don't notice when He answers. We nod our heads to the sound of His commands, only to break them an hour after church.

To the unknowing reader: Yes, I am indefinitely, a Christian. I was a "Monotheist" for the sake of Philosophical Meandering- and I meandered so much to the point that I regarded my Faith in logical terms; which didn't work, and nearly, oh so close; made me lose my Faith entirely.

My Faith has been meandering on off after my father's death- but lately, I've rediscovered it- in its fullest.

I don't like to advertise it because I dread evangelizing- I have quite a simplistic viewpoint with regards to the dreaded "e" word: If a person has an open heart- he/she'll find his/her way to the Lord-

Otherwise, no amount of persuasion/logical reasoning can work- (I've been observing, and though I admire the effort- I think it's still founded on Faith, and an innate, spiritual/personal conviction)

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Everything changed, when I discovered my own personal Ebenezer.

It started quite simply- I fell into that eternal pitfall that all humans face.

Namely, "Why, if there is a God, do I have to endure _____________________?"
(-insert tumultuous event-)

From being suddenly impoverished, to being hurt by peers, to horrible self-esteem problems (since I've always considered myself ugly since childhood), to immense jealousy, to the woes of probable eternal singlehood, to breaking down, to hospitalization, to facing death by an inch (ask me personally)-

But one thing was quite certain: in all these- I did not wait upon the Lord; at all.

I sought for comfort in other ways- in knowledge, in the pursuit of wealth, in the hopes of getting a better career; but it never worked; because this is the crucial point: Superficial material goods, can never heal a hole in one's heart!

What I truly needed- was a Father's love; which I desperately longed for, since I was so sordidly deprived.

I found that most recently- through my near death experience- and it was horrifying, but yet amazing, for my life was literally, saved.

(Of course, I'm not saying that everyone should have a near death experience, but it was something I truly felt)

I found my own personal Ebenezer-

and it was a life, so undeservingly restored,

and a chance (that alone, was enough to give me joy)- at something I longed for, so greatly- and prize, above all else

and no matter how illogical it sounds- false premises and assumptions aside

The Lord is well and truly active, and my life is in His hands, with my dreams and desires at His feet.

'Thus far the Lord has helped us.'

Truly indeed, and He alone is the great provider of all.

I'm still as before, but with my Faith fully restored.

I type this with all truthfulness:

If one Trusts the Lord completely, and wholeheartedly-

He is always Faithful.

Always

(and I am not typing this as a devout holy person, because I'm just not..)

But, I love this verse:

Psalms 23
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

2012-01-27T23:25:00.008+08:00

I'm very punny, really- I don't know why I love punning.

You can't really blame me, there's not much for a semi-cripple to do at home when I'm unable to manoeuvre my way around stairs/slopes (even with crutches, the pain is #$%^&* when I jerk), and hence- by this same logic, get my arse to school, since FASS is full of stairs, slopes, and uneven roads. 'Tis a bloody maze

Thank God for some webcasted material, or I'm well and truly screwed

On a cheerier sidenote: I finally know how X-raying is done- it's sweet (and so efficient!)

It's nothing like what it looks on House, phew phew phew

and, I have a bone in my knee that only 10% of the population has. ?!

That's so cool!

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I'm still mildly angsty that I can't walk and jump as per normal

Or even hobble decently, for that matter

/edit on Sunday

I went to an acupuncturist today, because my knee was simply, not getting better-

and I have only one statement:

(A note to the reader- I have a fear of needles combined with pain)

I now truly know what fear looks like

It looks like my acupuncturist slowly inserting needles into my knee- and prodding them gently, asking in Chinese- "Do you feel anything?"

(I was so utterly terrified that I was praying wordlessly half the time/trying my best not to scream)

And when he put on those rubber- latex white gloves and started massaging/pulling my knee (somewhat violently) - I felt like a trapped rabbit.

Now, there's this herb-like thing that's supposed to be a painkiller smeared on my knee- with one of those bandages wrapped around my knee.

I don't think I've conquered my fear yet- but I definitely screamed at it

I really don't want to go through all that again anytime soon

Definitely one of my I wish I wasn't human but a Jellyfish moments

2012-01-23T19:35:00.011+08:00

An Explanation

A sidenote to any anonymous reader:
My posts do disappear, sometimes- because these are the posts I write for stress relief/when I feel angst- and then when I'm cheered up again, I delete them-

to forget.

(The act of deletion helps me forget, verily)

It's akin to how I put myself through music therapy on facebook;

Once the music has served its purpose, I delete the posted video.

There's just something extraordinarily theraputic about putting stuff on a public domain- because you know people may chance upon it.

Thus, by expressing yourself where others may hear/observe/notice- it's enough, to soothe your soul.
It's quite strange, but it worked wonders for me.

/highly recommanded

Of course, Music can be used to convey a message in all seriousness-

but I leave the discerning listener/reader to differentiate between stress/angst relief, and a tale.

All I can conclude, is this:

Nisi Dominus frustra.

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I'm still getting over my inherent dislike for photography of Self.

I don't get why I look decent in real life, but in photos, I look anything but decent 80% of the time.

Perhaps I attribute somewhat higher standards to the word "decency", as compared to others- but still, I don't quite comprehend this lack of consistency.

Oh well, I just don't look that nice in photos. /shrug

My Self-Esteem is quite well restored- in that I'm quite happy and contented being me, truly! (For that, I thank the Lord alone)

Yet, upon reflection- how can it be possible, that my horrid experiences in Primary School and Secondary School left such gaping wounds on my soul previously!
I assumed that when memory died, so did the scars-

Are all bullied victims like this? Does the cycle of bullying pass on,subconsciously? Despite all my positivity, my joy- a snippet of the hurt, lingered on, until.. I was healed.

Is there, some sort of scarring of the subconscious? Of the emotion- that is so crucial in one's early years?

To any reader- who may be bullied now, in some way, or another

Or was bullied, with the emotional scars quietly tearing you apart :/ (been there, and I feel you)

Keep the Faith.

Always.

Things always pick up. Even at your lowest point, You are never alone.

Never.

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I like this quote quite a bit. (Actually, I just like quoting random stuff I read on websites, from books- I don't owe a book of quotes, but I love quotes that touch the soul)

"I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one's head pointed toward the sun, one's feet moving forward. There were many dark moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death."
— Nelson Mandela

2012-01-20T12:17:00.002+08:00

"Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination and life to everything." — Plato

Truly, truly- and more.

/edit

It helped me convery my emotions (:D), and actually have a heart to heart talk with my mother (14 years too late); and I'm astounded, by how little I truly know.

Circumstances can be so frightening, so frightening.

(So much injustice, so much wrongdoing, so much superficiality)

The cycle of hurt, stemming from personal experiences- transferred from parent to child, until it landed on..

me.

I quote Tolstoy:

"Happiness is an allegory, unhappiness a story."

Damn, how could I have been a product of two extraordinarily messsed up f-

Dad, rest in peace- I finally understand why you gave up our fortune, when I was 6,

I truly and sincerely forgive you; but I still wish that you had been better at economics/financial management

/is somewhat grateful that I abandoned the path of Literature

-sigh-

I'm extraordinarily proud, that you wanted to be a Missionary!
(It's not something that I'd do, though)

Nontheless, I will endeavour to never commit your mistakes. :/

This year, I will put flowers on your grave; and this is my eternal New Year resolution:

I will be a daughter you can be proud of.

In every way possible. (I should create a list, but I'm far too lazy, alas!)

I'm proud of being a 丘 (lol- that's my surname in chinese -don't ask me how Yaw can be translated into this, because I have truthfully, no idea whatsoever.)

For once, I shall put my much hated surname, officially on my blog, in memory of my Dad.

It's not Chinese that I loathe per se, infinitely not
(I think Chinese aesthetics is cool, although I'm inherently lousy at the language)

Okay, it's the Wuxia part- seriously.

I've always found the lakeside scenery, the tranquil waterfalls, the graceful swordplay, the warrior code of honour- and in particular, the tacticians of the military- absolutely brilliant, and amazing (aesthics wise)

Their Art of War- masterful!

/hidden liking

Anyway, in all honesty, I quite dislike my surname. Do you know how unaesthetically pleasing to the eye "Yaw" looks like? It's some strange combination of the Y syllable, and the Aw-

It's probably just the "Y" syllable that spoils everything.

There is a certain politcian with my surname, but at least his Chinese name really is the Chinese Equivalent sounding of "Yaw"

Again, What was my family thinking?

Sidenote: I'm typing all this because I'm dreading the CNY visits, especially since I'm now upgraded to semi-crippled (from being crippled)

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I shan't go on further. The bitterly spun tale of unhappiness ends with me- since no matter what happens, joy remains a central tenet of my soul ^^

(even superseding all facets of anger; tested and tried- thank God)

To be exuberant, to be ecstatic- I'm as ebullient as ever; after everything.

(I'm as happy as a child-and I haven't felt this way for aeons, really- such subliminal bliss)

"Make me to hear Joy and gladness; the bones thou hast broken may rejoice."

- Psalms 51:8

Praise the Lord, truly; He showed me how heartless I was becoming, and before I lost my heart altogether- He anchored it in a most intriguing fashion, and healed every wound in my soul.

In any case, life is too short to not be joyous

Happiness pwns unhappiness any time of the day

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Found this, and I thought this quote was absolutely first-rate

"This is what the past is for! Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see."

- Corrie Ten Bloom

2012-01-18T10:46:00.000+08:00

I've spent a total of __ days without my handphone, and surprisingly enough, my productivity is increased!

Hurrah, I can successfully not use facebook, and successfully not touch my handphone.

Now, all I need to do is wait for my kneecap to recover, and I'm hobblin back to school, all ready to tackle my tutorials,with a vengeance.

Thank God, I got every mod for 1 point/every first choice tutorial ^^

I'm going to wear my specs full time once school starts, so.. 'twas time to be a pure nerd

(there isn't any point in looking pretty anymore ;)-at least, not for now.
-unless I'm out with my girlfriends- and on the ocassional day when I feel like dressing up for myself and being stylo)

/is grateful to all my friends who texted/facebook mesaged me with their concern- I'll see you guyz soon!

2012-01-15T19:59:00.000+08:00

Found this while studying:

"Man is a reasonable being; and as such, receives from science his proper food and nourishment: But so narrow are the bounds of human understanding, that little satisfaction can be hoped for in this particular, either from the extent of security or his acquisitions. Man is a sociable, no less than a reasonable being: But neither can he always enjoy company agreeable and amusing, or preserve the proper relish for them.

Man is also an active being; and from that disposition, as well as from the various necessities of human life, must submit to business and occupation: But the mind requires some relaxation, and cannot always support its bent to care and industry."

- David Hume

So what then, is the perfect mathematical balance between "business and occupation" and "relaxation"? 50-50? 70-30? 40-60? There are so many quantifications!

Is the right answer simply to pursue true happiness? :/
What then, about the social restrictions of human life?

Science measures, and is supposedly, the ultimate quantifier, being founded on logic, and the rationality of the human mind. But if Science is a quantifier, why can't Science create a fixed mathematical equation, a+ b+c+....z=h, where, a, b, c.. , z are the isolated variables of human society- ranging from interpersonal/intrapersonal relationships, to the temporal pleasure afforded by physical substances, a.k.a alcohol, or food, to sex, etc etc;

and h= true, eternal (lifelong) happiness ?

Of course, we can always follow the argument that each human is created differently. As such- every human possesses differing mental faculties for enjoying different types of pleasure (which is picked up from one's phenomenal senses).

Yet- surely Science, being admittedly all-encompassing, can overlook these differences of perspectives, and come up with a fixed equation!

Otherwise, how can science grant man proper food and nourishment?

Unless Hume refers to Science endowing man with the proper tools for achieving such- with food and nourishment coming from an external source unrelated to Science.

Is human understanding still not comprehensible completely (as so far it is possible) in scientific terms?

I assume food and nourishment are literal and metaphorical in Hume's statement- meaning Soul-food (such as emotional nourishment) as well as literal food, (e.g fried food)

/ponders

Conclusion: Science is never enough, because Man isn't necessarily always a reasonable being

2012-01-13T17:11:00.001+08:00

At the end of all things:

Psalms 34: 4

"I sought the LORD, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears. "

My heart, is calm, so unenduringly calm, I am grateful.

/calmness

Conclusion: I am an enigma, and I have given up on comprehending myself :/

2012-01-09T14:05:00.000+08:00

Proverbs 16:1-9

"The preparations of the heart belong to man,
But the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.

All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes,
But the LORD weighs the spirits.

Commit your works to the LORD
And your thoughts will be established.

The LORD has made all things for Himself,
Yes, even the wicked for the day of doom.

Everyone who is proud in heart
is an abomination to the LORD;
Though they join forces,
none will go unpunished.

In mercy and truth
Atonement is provided for iniquity;
And by the fear of the LORD
one departs from evil.

When a man's ways please the LORD,
He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.

Better is a little with righteousness,
Than vast revenues without justice.

A man's heart plans his way
But the LORD directs his steps."

/edit edit edit edit

I shall have faith- and wait upon the LORD.
I wait, I wait, and I wait- but I will have faith
My heart's desire, is before Your feet
And I trust You, that You will protect all that You have planned-

If it be Thy Will, it is

If it isn't Thy Will, it isn't- :D

'Nuff said.

2012-01-08T11:35:00.000+08:00

Of love, and the inspidity that follows, thereafter

There are times when I am serious, and this is one of them.

Here are the facts:

1)My feelings, remain unchanged- So I'm just going to live with it- and wait upon the Lord.

2) It's really hard to be joyful when you took "an arrow to your knee"

Really.

Even the best worship music/upbeat instrumental can't permenently alleviate the angst of pain.

God bless those poor adventurers in skyrim.

(There I go again, I always find something humourous even when I'm suffering /bangheadonwall)

Can you believe that I laughed at my unfortunate predicament 10 seconds after it happened?

It turned to cries of pain though, that was not funny.

How long more, must I endure this?

I quit.

ICEB a S, or a W, or a F

Not like I ever wanted to be one, anyway :/

/cheery grin

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Temporal Conclusion after intense social observation:

50% of men are egocentric- (A significant proportion of them turn gay, the rest become smooth-talkin flirts who usually end up with a really plain partner/ a promiscuous partner)

(The other 30% are relegated to the friendzone- and usually end up with women who are inferior to themselves, socially, physically, and looks-wise

There is the rare exception who actually gets what he wants, because he simply treasures what he has)

*20% of men put the LORD first in all aspects, and are thus not subject to the three categories at all- since their paths are directed by He who Dwelleth Above.

Men tend to put lust above love

It takes a truly rare man to not care about appearances, contrary to what everyone says /sarcasticeyerollatallthosewhotriedtodeceiveme

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This is a warning to all ye gullible females out there:

If you find yourself chasing after a man endlessly- despite all your attempts at seduction, making yourself pretty, beautifying yourself for him, perfectizing your physicality for him- and he is half interested half not interested in you?

And, you see him in the company of other girlfriends who are all prettier, more physically attractive then you?

You are being manipulated.

(A.K.A- you are the potential wife-to-be- who has to endure all the potential womanizing -of course, flirts say that they're justttt talking- but tempt one's flesh enough, and guess what happens? Nuff Said- that goes on in the meantime)

Get Out! Pronto.

This is the reason why lesbianism was quite attractive to myself, frankly- but I'm just not meant for it (LORD, you know all things)

*If a man puts the LORD first, the LORD will guide his steps.

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100% of women are emotional- governed by their emotions;- when they truly fall in love (it's just a matter of whether they express it out, or not)

These can broken down into bitches, sluts, nerds, the cool-chick, the Christian good girl, the diva, the workaholic, the silent one, the talkative one, etc, etc)

Women tend to believe that lust is a requirement for love

As such, many women eventually take (like a piece of meat, again, oh God) an inferior man (in terms of intellect) so that they are able to manipulate him because they do not trust men in general.

(Was very tempted by this option a few times in NUS- but I just couldn't bring myself to do it because my heart was elsewhere, and I still value my guy friends very, very much, as brothers)

And there are some women who love to control men- oh good Lord.

I'm a traditionalist- I believe in the man taking control, because it's just.. the way I am

I'd rather follow, instead of lead

In fact, I loathe leading.

I wish I was extremely gu niang, at times- so that I would be happy
Ignorance is bliss, but I was born with this intellect- which is a half curse, half blessing.

I loathe the fact that manipulation is necessitated- and so, I rebel.

I refuse to manipulate, or be manipulated (by anyone, save the LORD- let Him decide who will have the authority to lead me!

I will endeavour to be honest, as so far as it is possible :(

*If a woman puts the LORD first in all aspects, she is not subject to emotional bondage, at all, and she will have to give up her manipulative ways

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This is a word of warning to all you gullible males out there

The best manipulator is the female who can skillfully manipulate you into falling in love with her- and you find yourself crawling like a puppy behind her?

Like a piece of meat, to be dangled and thrown away?

A dog, kneeling before her every whim?

Yup, you're one of her victims, God bless Ye.

What are you doing?? Scamper like Joseph. NOW.

Conclusion: Men do not understand women, (and vice versa)- both ought to endeavour to understand their other halves if they

a) Desire to get the best possible lifelong wife/husband for themselves

b) Don't intend to turn gay/lesbian

And remember this: Know thyself, and thy capabilities.

I ought to back this up someday.

And when in doubt- always remember this:

Humour saves lives (and relationships). ^^

Love endures through all circumstances- but if the long-suffering women/men has had enough- quit, I say, quit!

Honest truth: I truly do believe that the flesh of men are innate beastial beings who are filled with lust, and that the flesh of women (self included) is really very hard to comprehend- unless they happen to be very expressive (like self)- and we are also filled with lust

For the third time, I will say no more- I do wish I could end my life painlessly, so that I won't be subject to any of this- but I am forced to live on, so what to do?

/suckthumb

Only other alternative avaliable? Put the LORD first.

Note: I speak not of love, because love can never be fully encapsulated in words, or quotes (although Shakespeare comes really, really, really close :D)

To be continued. (this shall be a lifelong sideproject of mine)

Entitled: "What the f-this vulgarity is extremely warranted here-uck is wrong with relationships in this lifetime of ours."

I hate manipulation, I despise it, of all kinds-

Love is meant to be free, unfettered- like a song; so many layers, so many intricasies

To be based on trust, faith, and unenduring hope- in Him that dwelleth above.

Love is not meant to be based on fear, but everlasting hope.

No man I am (even if I have immense fighting spirit), but a woman

and I would rather openly follow someone honest, then lead

And.. I am humbled.

Many things I know, but so many things I do not understand

I will never understand so many things, and so I commit everything to His hands, and His hands alone.

My Pride, is.. broken (No more, no more)

I fear the LORD, always.

2012-01-06T12:51:00.000+08:00

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition, or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better then yourselves.

Each of you should only look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:Who, being in very nature, God,did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,but made himself nothing,taking the very nature of a servant,being made in human likeness. And being found appearance as a man,he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,to the glory of God the Father."

Philippians 2:2-11

This is Why I will never be a politician, ever- power corupts.

It is, after all- my greatest failing- the desire for political power :(

Fullstop.

To protect, to bless, to teach, to encourage, to prevent harm

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2012-01-03T16:37:00.000+08:00

This shall be the last post for a while, since I am currently preparing for school-

My Econs is exceedingly rusty! (reading, and reading is awesome)

My academic dreams, my love life, and my hopes and fears, are before His feet

"Trust in the LORD and do good,
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD
and He will give you the desires of your heart

Commit your way to the LORD
trust in Him and He will do this;
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger, and turn from wrath
Do not fret- it leads only to evil
For evil men will be cut off
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land

A little while, and the wicked will be no more
though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace."

Psalms 37:3-10

Sidenote: I am not 'godly', because Who is truly like God? (but Himself, and His Son)- and I still have my style, my chief attribute being humour, and joyousness-

For all that, I am flawed flesh

And I am truly extremely flawed, being impatient, and extraordinarily proud by nature-

but I am well and truly humbled.

Humility before Him, always and forever more.

And so I wait, and wait, and wait- for His timing

It's somewhat unbearable- but what can one do when one is suddenly baika-ed!

Trust in Him alone- that He knoweth all things, and that all things are in His time

And truth be told, I really have no idea what's going on , half the time- the other half I'm like ?!?!?!?!, :D:D:D, O.O, T.T?, ^.^(Y) and LOL (in that particular order-I'm just trying to illustrate how my mind works- it works so absurdly fast that I realized no one truly understands me- jumping from point to point)

I've decided to go by blind faith alone on the things I can't rationalize -sorry lah, bad habit- but I've always had a logical mind :(-

We are all flawed, but through the Lord, all things are renewed.

Thank you Lord, for Your love- which saveth my soul

2012-01-01T17:59:00.000+08:00

To put it nicely-

2011 was a horrible and shocking year for me.

Nontheless, it's a new start- and I've never felt so innately peaceful in my soul-

as if all my burdens have finally been unloaded

It would be a lot nicer if I weren't baika though

Love isn't about attraction, it's inexplicable- and I can't quite put my finger on it- :D

But I'll trust in the Lord always- that He knows what He's doing- since it's really, up to Him- the Father's will first.

-------------------------------

But..my heart is so heavy, so heavy-

A time for laughter, a time for seriousness

Oh Lord, protect your servants, protect them. Lord, be merciful, oh Lord

We look to the Lord Jesus first, above all else

------------------------------

/editedit

I know some of you (I've received the texts) don't quite understand the change in myself- how someone so gregarious, so outspoken, has suddenly.. turned around (with regards to the open pursuit of my Protestant Christian values)- and my personal relationship with the Lord

It was intially, exceedingly hard for an individual like myself to come to terms with that fact- being a rational future Economist-Philosopher, who was also blessed with a particularly vivacious and logical mind (I attribute this to my grandfather's Scientist genes).

This can be summed up in a single word: Faith

Pure, unconstrained Faith- which can never be rationalized in thought-terms, philosophical meanderings (which are after all, just words- e.g phenomenal consciousness, physicalism, dualism, etc etc)- or even the rational cost-benefit analysis of Economics.

Faith just is- it sustains us through trial and tribulation, because Faith shows us a single, clear, uncluttered path- that the Lord Jesus loves us, above all else- and that because of this love- all of us, condemned sinners, ill-gotten spirits, or proud a$$es (I love being punny), are saved by Him.

Just that, really. (You can read the New Testament- read John)

It takes a personal encounter to discover this, and trust me- it isn't the best ride- but it's still pretty cool.

/edit: I still don't understand what I went through though- it was seriously cool, but quite strange at times, but I guess it's all for the best? (There were seriously scary bits too- when I really thought I was going insane)

Some (nicer) bits I can't even bring myself to speak of- it's too.. otherworldly- even if I really, really, really, really, really liked those parts /shrug

I can't wait for school to start (now I'm an eggcited nerd with style)

Hume and Kant, Hume and Kant :D:D:D:D

2011-12-31T16:53:00.001+08:00

No matter what- (baika and all)

My soul will rejoice in the Lord,

for Jesus Christ alone saved my life- always, whenever I came so close to death

and for that, my life's purpose is up to Him

my dreams, my heart's desire, my emotions- I place before His feet, now and forever
(forgive my impatience, I am but inquisitive female flesh, alas, alas!)

Thy name is worthy, above all the other names on Earth

I remain, Your faithful servant, always-

and I endeavour to trust in You completely

For You are the Master, the Potter

and I am but clay- clay blessed enough that my life is spared again, and again

I am truly blessed to be Your proud-who-is-trying-really-really-hard-to-be humble servant

PS: I can't dance -insert sad face-

In thy most worthy name, oh-most worthy One-

Amen

/edit

The truth is out- and I am in a relationship with the Lord (why did I type myself?!), because I have had it with relationships in general- they are all messed up, and I have had it with the falsity, and lies, and insincerity

I guess He will make everything new, in His time /shrug

2011-12-28T00:01:00.000+08:00

The two verses which saved my soul

"Trust in the LORD and do good,
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD
and He will give you the desires of your heart

Commit your way to the LORD
trust in Him and He will do this;
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger, and turn from wrath
Do not fret- it leads only to evil
For evil men will be cut off
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land

A little while, and the wicked will be no more
though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace."

Psalms 37:3-10

and

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding
in all your ways acknowledge Him
and He will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

2011-12-25T23:39:00.000+08:00

/edit

One entire cycle, and what?
I concur with King Solomon, which he writes in Ecclesiastes

"Then I turned my thoughts to consider wisdom,
and also madness and folly.
What more can the king's successor do, than what has already been done?
I saw that wisdom is better than folly,
just as light is better than darkness.
The wise man has eyes in his head,
while the fool walks in the darkness;
but I came to realize
that the same fate overtakes them both.

Then I thought in my heart,
The fate of the fool will overtake me also.
What then do I gain for being wise?"

I said in my heart,
"This too is meaningless."
For the wise man, like the fool, will not long be remembered;
In days to come, both will be forgotten."

Ecclesiastes 2:12-15

I shall pursue wisdom still, though it be meaningless-
Must as well pursue the least of all the evils.
As always, my heart's desires are in Your hands, Lord.
If I have one life, let me live it well- for You, ever more
At least, I have a purposeful life

2011-12-25T06:32:00.000+08:00

There's always the other side of the story, that people don't see;

The part that screams, when one's life is mocked. put on display, like a grandiose showcase (for a good cause, Praise the Lord (?))

The Lord alone knows how hard my life was- and I dare say I ought to have died at twelve if not for Him, and for that, my life belongs to the Father, forever more.

When one isn't treated seriously, because one is "joyful"

It's.. exhausting. I'm sick of being cheerful, so soul-sick- since everyone forgets the crucial point- yes, you're being cheered up- but who cheers me up? (Only one person of the opposite gender succeeded so far, and then things got so mindfuckingly messed up that I'm not sure when the mindfuck ends and the manipulation begins.)

Thanks, really- to those whose hearts meant ill, I applaud you, you guys nearly caused my death; I was two steps away from losing my life

-heavy sigh-

/edit-
I've forgiven just about everyone, really- but it's just the faces of some that I simply can't tolerate (this pertains to the guys, you have no idea how much your filthy, overbearing, extremely irritating antics disgust me)

I do not consider you (if you fall under that category) my brothers- so sod off, or beg the Lord for forgiveness for your crude, idiotic, accursed ways

Which is precisely why I read Psalms 37 quite a bit- it soothes my soul.

and vengeance- oh, I was 2 steps away from hell, trading my soul away for retribution on all those that hurt me for the past 17 years unfairly.

and yet, I couldn't bring myself to condemn my soul, out of love, alas- and my heartfelt feelings. (Well I suppose since I'm healed and a nice, clean soul once more I could start proper)

Did anyone else (from the rare few, and the Lord who is truly the only Father I ever had) actually bother to see past the smile, the clear-eyed glances,the humour, the self-depreciating satire if all this didn't happen?

I guess not.

And so, if I'm sociable and friendly, I'm a flirt now? Condemned to eternal solitude?

Kiss my ass - besides, I think I'm going to be serious from now on.

The ha has, and ho hos, are just words, mere words

Merry Christmas, everyone!

-sigh-

Still, my purpose is completely realigned, and I can't give up what I truly want for Christmas (*exasperated cough*).

I'm truly exhausted.

I'm truly optimistic, really, but when your life is a satire, you tend to lose copious amounts of optimism, and truly, where the hell is justice? /extraordinarily tired

The Lord knoweth all, I guess, and since He saved my soul, and with absolute certainty- loves someone so hillarious as myself- who else can I trust but the Father?

Nontheless, I say this with absolute certainty-

thank You Lord Jesus- you saved my soul the night before Christmas.

Again.

2011-12-24T02:56:00.000+08:00

I wait, as ever- for a sign, for the continuation of what I truly yearn for/have yearned for, so badly
(Yes, I do quite believe, with absolute certainty, that I'm ready to fall in love again, once more- in proper style- although I do value quiet, interpersed moments the most)

I wait, oh- I wait

A good beginning, a good one (finally, praise the Lord), but after everything- wisdom first, then impulsivity, at the right time!

audax at fidelis- with regards to my endeavours (Bold, but faithful)

and

beatus homo qui invenit sapientiam (blessed is the man who finds wisdom!)

---------------------------

I think I've regained all that I've lost- only that my purpose is completely, and utterly realigned. Otherwise,almost everything else seems to have regained its sense of normalcy in my life.

There's an added subtlety to it all- which makes me so, so joyous, and life is completely worth living now

One thing, I do concur- despite my proficiency with words, I can't find the right depth of words to express how I feel openly- everything sounds so falsified, so superficial, when spoken in sibiliant sound publicly- it feels like a masquerade, a show- a mere play, put on for the sake of the audience.

Privacy, oh sweet privacy, in open sunlight, under the sky!

I dislike masquerades, because they twist truth with a layer of superficiality, of falsity-this distorts the sincerity, the honest, heartfelt feelings that make the world spin, which darkens all the rainbows in the sky, all the sunrises and sunsets- which are the quintessential metaphors of beauty ; I can't quite explain it in words, but I try, I try

2011-12-22T00:46:00.000+08:00

Temporarily! Sorry :(

<3 anyway.

In all seriousness, and complete truth.

---------------------------------

Imagine a female figure, over the moon :D

---------------------------------

^^

--------------------------------

We must seek the Lord first, even if He is not in the world.. :/

--------------------------------

2011-12-20T17:31:00.001+08:00

Philippians 2:2-11

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition, or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better then yourselves (Lord, help my proud self- I look to You, as a child, like a child always- forgive me pride). Each of you should only look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature, God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found appearance as a man,
he hunbled himself
and became obedient to death-
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place

and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."

Oh Lord, I sought revenge, and death (I wanted to trade my life for vengeance)-
but yet You saved me- oh almighty One.
I'm so blessed to be a blessing
Twas I, saved through You
/extremely blessed

/edit

How blessed I am, that You know every thought before it even forms, that You showed me so much favour, when I wanted to abandon it all

I'm so grateful, oh marvellous and almighty Yahweh!

Your Hand is evident in every blade of grass, every ray of sunlight, every raindrop, and the best of all- the flowing wind, the wind that is so completely free

2011-12-20T00:24:00.000+08:00

This is how I feel when I'm with people I truly care for:

and

------------------

Erm, this is how I felt when I met people who truly disgust me, to the point that I sought vengeance from the Lord

------------------

And this is how I feel now

and

(which is the best medicine really :))) (If only I could laugh everyday for real)

and then when I'm stuck at home (thank you SMRT for messing me up)- I'm

which makes me

and then, when I revisit the past, especially those males and females who emotionally manipulated me (don't mess with a philosophy/economics student baby -grin-) , I'm

(fake gun lah wahlao, the pen is mightier then the sword, yes? lololol)

although now I pursue wisdom,and biblical truth-

I'm still keepin my style /hugegrin

-sighs-

PS: I dare say I got my wrath from my mother :/ Like that how ah. :(
Good thing I'm exceedingly happy by nature ^^

-------------------------------

2011-12-18T02:07:00.000+08:00

I place my heart's desire(s) at Your feet, oh Lord.

Always.

Thank You, for saving my life, when I wanted to lose it to extreme hatred and vengeance, my life is Yours, forever. (the memory is enough to remind me)

Your love is truly the greatest, of all.

I am humbled, oh Lord, by your mercy and lovingkindness.

That You would forgive someone so sinful as myself, a hundred times over- (many many times, anyway)

I am so blessed, so much so.

/grateful

2011-12-12T23:39:00.001+08:00

/edit (a day after)

The one thing this entire experience has taught me though- my Faith in the Lord, will never be shaken, ever (it came so close, to completely disappearing) because of everything I went through.

You are Forever Blesssed :D

I will never step into politics proper ever again- it isn't.. my thing

(You can't play it, if you have a heart- because one needs to elminate all political rivals using the most ruthless methods possible; and that is something I can never do, even if I know all the mechanics

I can't, not after what I saw, not after everything)

Only out of self defense, nothing more (a.k.a barriers of entry- with respect to one's position/standing/name)

----------------------------------------

A thousand thanks to those who have cared personally- through the personal messages, the texts, the personal facebook messages

I'm truly grateful to the Lord that I have sincere friends like you- we'll chill ASAP :)

Today, I have finally been able to make head or tail of the entire situation (Thank you Lord Jesus!)
(A.K.A- the categorizing parts; truth from falsity, emotion from rationality, physical sensations from mental precepts)

I guess being a mental scribe (I really like this word), helps? (Recording everything down in one's mind- and then translating thoughts to paper)

To the rest who know nothing-

" Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

Matthew 7:1-2

(If you know not my perception, and everything I went through, I'd suggest you cease your wagging tongue,
or else pray for wisdom-
instead of offering superficial advice; it makes me sick to the bone
Don't say I didn't warn you

You try being happy if you could walk a mile in my path, after seeing and comprehending everything- trust me, you'd be about as happy as dirt at the bottom of a trashbag.)

A supplication:

Lord, You are solely needed, Oh mighty One
Lord of all creation, He who formeth every thought in one's mind
He whose love endureth beyond our own
Hear those whose hearts are crying, whose souls turn to You
Hear their cry, and mine-

Oh, I beg Thee, Oh Jesus
Saviour of the broken-hearted, the disadvantaged, those solely without hope
Saviour of all the blind
You restored hope to me, and the ability to feel joyful
And You gave me back peace, and took away my extreme wrath

(which sought a pound of flesh, and more- for every ounce of pain)

I now know what Love truly is

Oh Glorious Yahweh (I should use YHWH right- That's what the bible says)-
He who Endureth Forever,
May Your Name be Eternally Revered, and Blessed

Help us, with our flawed human flesh to help others,
Save us first, before we can use our blessings for others
I am eternally grateful,
I Thank You, with every breath I breathe
I Praise You with every song I sing- My soul sings Your praise and Eternal Glory,

...with every action I create (or at least, I try to, although my flaws are as unceasing as the eternal presence of water in the sea)

Your Will above All

I am forever, Your humble servant- who is grateful for a life renewed- almost a second life (literally?); of sorts

In Your Most Almighty Name, Exalted above All other Beings

- Be they Spirit, or Flesh

Amen

-----------------------------------------------

I believe, I have never been so shaken out of my flesh so badly, an ordeal which started on the 11/11/11- a day which will forever remain in my mind

(To use the commonplace mindset: Wasn't it for granting prayers/wishes/fulfiling dreams? o.O)

What happened to the norm???????

I remember what happened in terms of vague images, phenomenal senses, bits and pieces of flickering memories, or ideas, concepts- but I don't remember everything

But I do know several things

1) I ought to be dead (after everything), but I'm not

2) I can't explain everything

3) Through it all- my philosophical, logical-reasoning mindset was as sharp as a knife- particularly when I felt that everything did not make sense- I constantly pinched myself/Did Math in my mind/Treated it like a really cool dream/Philosophical meandering/Logical Deduction

4)I was under no hallucinatory drugs (except the IV drip they forced into my arm at the hospital)

5) This is the most important: No matter what, I fear the Lord, above all else- and it was probably this fear, which kept me alive, restored my lucidity, my intellect, my clarity, and my sanity as a human.

6) My feelings are much stabilized, my soul (in terms of emotions) is at peace, my vengeance (at other relevant manipulative parties) is now wholeheartedly commited to the Lord, I'm pretty much calm..

I'm much better being happy really. I guess my parents named me well (if you translate the horrid sounding chinese characters (my Chinese name means "God's Grace" -.- (as if one Grace in my name wasn't enough- what were they thinking?!)

and I guess it's true; I was born joyful and cheerful, and I'm by nature- very, very cheerful (It's like I can momentarily forget my unhappiness, although later I cut my own soul with tears- but that is forever over now-; I can't explain why either!)

(I have no idea where the 'I demand vengeance if justice is not served and I seriously tak boleh tahan' character came from though; Read too much? Thought too much?)

It seems too entirely natural, a part of me- /shrug

(I shall never understand myself)

My heart's ten times stronger-

but the essence is unchanged

Which means- I still have feelings for that one, same person

Even now

(So much for swearing off men entirely :/)

(It's nice to be irrational though, I think I must learn to be irrational at the right times)

Oh, what a mess :/

Lord, I am speechless.

.......

/facepalm

(The only good thing about this is that I lost 4kg- initially 8kg, but I gained 4 back, thanks to my $%^&*()$%^&* mother. Well, at least I look much more aesthetically-pleasing to my own eyes)

Your Will always- /bow

and I will, endeavour always, to keep Your statutes!

2011-12-12T00:33:00.000+08:00

/edit

Oh Lord, verily

Use me, to bless others-

as I myself am blessed to survive today,

Use me, I appeal- in Your plans

I am blessed to be a blessing to others

I know not the way, but help me

I praise thee, forever more- Lord of all Creation

I will endeavour to be an academic whose heart seeks Your Truth

(pertaining to structure, logic, and concepts)
(It would be brilliant, if Economics was used to serve Your ways- perhaps You could guide Singapore out of this Economic slump!)
(and moral philosophy- perhaps this system will finally be inundated with a sense of morality- which is solely lacking in our conditioning :D)

------------------------------------------

Do not read, if you desire to mock me- this is merely how I express my open gratefulness to the Lord, who saveth my soul from destruction, who preserved my humanity and morals in His love

/a spun prayer

Lord, help me-

Deal with what I am thoroughly unable to handle,

out of my own flesh

Protect me from those who are against me

Forgive my folly!

Hide my soul, under Your wings

Keep my weak emotions,

concealed in Your loving Hands

Let not anyone-

whose heart longs to condemn me,

to hurt, to curse, to insult

to manipulate, to torment, to rend my soul into pieces

to break my spirit

come near

Oh Lord Jesus, You deal with them, as You will

I beseech You,do not test my flesh Lord,

for I am weak,

so weak-

so exceedingly weak

My flaws are as numerous as the raindrops on the leaves

My sin as mud upon a pristine floor

My dreams as distant as the mighty sea

Save my Soul, Oh Almighty One

Saviour of the renewed, oh Lord Jesus

Continue my peace, continually renew my peace

Give me peace enduring-

Sweet dreams, tormented by no fear

and surrender/

Complete surrender

Allow me peace, to go to church with a light heart

(Why is there a continual heaviness, which makes me sleep, rather then go?)

Keep me safe behind You, like a shield protecting a humble servant-

Emotions have no hold on me, no longer, oh I pray!

I know not Your ways, but I will commit my paths to You, always.

Your Will supersedes mine, always (I will trust that the childhood dream of being an academic was not by chance,but by Your doing :/)

My Heart's desire, is always at Your feet (:D)

Thy Will be done

Amen

2011-12-11T12:42:00.000+08:00

When one does greater reflection, and ponders more about the subtleties (and apparent contradictions)

The desire to be chased sincerely,

and not be chased superficially

The desire for someone

and the desire to have something meaningful with that person, greater than desire itself

The rational, calculated wants (and compatability)

Which are like dust (truly), when swept away by the unconditional emotions, which are like the unrestrained wind

An idea comes to me- which I read many, many years ago (which I shall explain using the metaphor of a sonnet, used in that selfsame book)

A general sonnet has a fixed form- 14 lines, and iambic pentameter (stressed syllables, and unstressed syllables)

The Shakespearean sonnet has a fixed rhyming scheme, with the last two lines being a rhyming couplet

The Spenserian sonnet has a different, though fixed rhyming scheme- with a closing sestet.

Despite the fixed rules, (in terms of structure), there is freedom, as long as you adhere to the literary structure.

We were taught to analyze (through instinct), the structure of freedom itself (the tone, the theme, the language, the metaphors, the style, the point of view, the imagery)

But we forget, the freedom of it all- the grandiose nature of the ideas expressed, so unabashedly

The emotions, which can never be contained in mere words.

That's life, to me.

Absolute freedom, despite the constraints- and I have been analyzing so much (due to my innate talent for Literature), that I forgot about the freedom, the innate sensation of it all

I tried to analyze everything, and in doing so, I forgot myself

I forgot how to truly feel

Oh, thank you Lord, for showing me freedom, which overwhelms the very restraints themselves

Oh music, sweet glorious music- a wondrous gift to mankind! (How we have perverted this gift from You- by imbuing perversity, corruption, filth, sexual instincts, unnatural emotive concerns, intense emotional longings; into music, which was meant to lift our very souls.. back to You!)

(The essence -the concepts, the ideas, the entirety- of a sonnet, is greater than the restraints imposed )

Oh Lord, my heart is grateful to You forevermore

Why do I write this openly- some may ask-

Why not do it in quiet, in secret- since it's something personal?

It's quite simple- I'm really, really,really, really, really grateful to the Lord Jesus from saving me from death's door that I'd rather show everything openly:

He is the Father I never had- and He took care of me, when I was in utter depression, and more.

Like a child, like a child- will I look to Him always

And yes, above all- I pursue Wisdom, since I need Wisdom to handle things properly

The words of a fool are many, indeed-

But if I pursue Wisdom, and have many words- I'm merely a writer :P

------------------------------------------------

You know, maybe this is a conundrum I'll never understand- but maybe,

since all my blogposts were intact, (before I deleted those that seemed the stuff of dreams)

+ my facebook posts with regards to music was intact,

+ the imaginary, stuff-of-fantasy- like posts are still undeleted

+ My extraordinary breakdown with its subsequent emotive-laden posts (which did implicate some parties, mon apologies!) are still intact

= My phenomenal experential state could be a fragment of reality! (That and all the extremely irrational feelings.. which have pretty much stabolized completely- the intensity of it all still intrigues me (when I reflect), immensely so)

Hmm, but I can't say that it was altogether bad though

I maintain what I wrote in my previous blog post- I have an innate, extreme emotional adversity to men my age (for some reasons, fatherly-figures don't fall under this- or uncles, maybe because I find in them facets of a father I never had :/)

My mind suppressed it so badly that I didn't even know it until now- my sanguine personality twisted it so that I became extremely friendly to everyone, but inside, I killed my soul, every time I perceived a romantic inclination I felt, with absolute certainty, a complete disinclination to reciprocate

and it makes me extremely uncomfortable-

I don't know how to put it (but I shall do my best, because I am trying to be honest,once more- a trait I so nearly lost)

- but anything that goes beyond superficiality (in terms of emotional inclinations) with respect to my male friends, terrifies me, if I feel nothing at all

And I have felt nothing- (I'm not talking about the skin-deep, superficial attraction)

(the surface infatuations- , those had something- but it was something so easily controlled- something which easily faded away into oblivion

Something so insincere

(I'm quite disgusted with myself for feeling that)

for so long, so long

(I'm so glad I finally felt something real)

Mon apologies to my old friends, but it is the truth!

Give me time, to heal- and perhaps, our friendship can resume..

perhaps-

since I desire to end some of the extremely unwholesome friendships I have
(I loathe stubborn people who just won't quit pestering me)

(I want nothing more, so please direct your romantic intentions to another female party- in fact, I volunteer to be the matchmaker!)

There are a minority though, who showed genuine concern without any romantic inclination whatsoever- and for that, I am extremely grateful :)

You know who you are, give me time to adapt, and I shall gratefully treat you as an older brother- nothing more.

As for relationships and all- I submit everything completely to the Lord. (I shall keep doing this until I'm happy)

I shall never comprehend everything, in my short life (this was the first time I was so irrational!- and interestingly enough, it was somewhat intriguing,to be irrational)

I actually like being so irrational.

I really liked it. (lol)

Nevertheless, whatever transpired hath transpired
(I didn't know I was that audacious- hmmmmmmmmm)

I dare say I might have thrown away whatever was left of my dignity though, alas! /shrug

Lord Jesus, give me peace so that I can go to Convenant (my Church) without qualms,

I need peace that remains quite permenantly so badly from You

2011-12-09T21:10:00.001+08:00

I know with absolute certainity that I won't break again.

In any case, all's..mostly good (although I still won't facebook, for a while)

/edit: Curiousity killed this cat :(

I do adore sunflowers, but this is the closest I can get- hope remains; in nature, in the very essence of life, of humanity, of the wondrous beauty of creation

I'm still going to pursue my studies in NUS:

Economics (I will overcome the maths, I will- at most I'll keep hearing KOTOKO, Mami Kawada (Japanese techno(?) of sorts- but their lyrics are awe-inspiring) and Planetshakers (Worship and Math together!)

and Philosophy (I have so, so much more to learn with regards to this- a subject which I have the greatest interest in (particularly moral philosophy/philosophy of the mind!)

I will keep fighting on for what I believe in (w.r.t my dreams; Prof Grace ftw-
a future lecturer with loads of style-personality, that is )

- but I think I've altered my mindset quite radically- instead of pursuing power (initially, the most important; I shall speak not of love here), and wealth (the second most important thing to me)- I shall pursue wisdom, and truth- and seek to comprehend morality better. (*cough*, Biblical/Abrahamic moral values, which I think is really fine)

A human can never be a hermit so I shall get out (alone/with girlfriends) eventually once I have found some semblance of Peace at home that transcends all understanding (It's the whole honour thy mother and father thing- and no matter how %$^&*%$^& she is I'm not going to screw her over the way my dad did)

The rest is up to You, oh Lord- Who I place at the forefront of my humble (although I am truly quite proud- I endeavour to be humble!) life.

You know my strengths and my weaknesses- deal with me/protect me accordingly!

Oh Lord help me, please help me with my emotions- they are like wild horses

I need to go to the seaside someday, seriously. (to just chill, and sit down- and have a decent conversation)

------------------------------------------

But after much retrospection- I guess I have to be sordidly honest with myself- I have been the victim of much emotional abuse in my life (which is frankly, quite.. bad- both by my peers, and my family)

and I've always been trained to behave like a man- that is; to keep everything to one's self- that tears are a sin, and one must always fight one's way through life.

I broke, after 21 years of concealing just about everything that penetrated to my deepest emotions

Tis time, I broke this.

But, I need time, and healing- which begins with finding peace in my own house
(I tried to get out- when it was at its worst, many many times, but whenever I asked an outsider for help- I am made a sordid fool through denial, every time an outsider tries to interfere with my family life)

I can't take my own emotionally abused mother to therapy (she's just so stubborn, and I have no right to break her will), and to abandon her altogether is out of the question (it's just not proper- and she's been doing all the housework because I can never meet her OCD standards!)

I dare say, we've both abused each other quite enough, although I honestly, till this date- find it improbable to go out with her and have peace (completely), the way she acts outside is so different from the way she is at home.

I don't get it.

It's as if she doesn't know the world at all- and yet, I'm unable to introduce it to her, because I can't bring myself to do so without this immense sense of disgust and loathing

And I loathe myself for loathing

Everyone just takes her for granted, in my f***ed up family (both sides)- she's a widow, and no one, truly cared for her enough.
In the eyes of the world (and I am unashamed of admitting this)- my father did.. lose it, somewhat (Lord forgive me for talking about the dead)- 3 months before he passed away (too bad for his mistresses, I swore that I would be a faithful woman after seeing what my mother went through), and guess who had to clean up after him (literally)? I did the metaphorical cleaning up- assuring neighbours and friends that he was "OK".

I have always wondered, myself- when I myself would lose it (since I did read a lot about genetics, and I've always assumed that breaking down is based on genetic code, plus personal emotive experiences, as well as circumstances at the wrong time.

Strangely enough, when I did have a "breakdown", I actually maintained my sanity- since I took everything like a dream- and truly, the Lord Jesus, and music, saved me.

(/shrug- since by nature I'm pretty cheerful; everyone says I was born happy(?)

That, and I suppose my exceedingly rational and logcial mind (A leads to B leads to C) - at times, when one isn't sure of one's sanity- one should do mental calculations in one's mind- and it restores one's lucidity.

Ultimately- a heartfelt prayer to the Lord (with the right music and a heaping spoonful of Faith) ia the best cure

Ah, may the Lord heal my broken family. (since my soul is pretty much OK after everything)

I'm just being honest here- since this is my tale to tell.

--------------------------------------------

I have the strangest mind though- at times I seem self contradictory, but this is solely due to the way I think when I weigh a situation. I see many possible future outcomes (once I got up to 8)- and then I weigh several factors simultaneously in my mind in about 5-10? seconds or so

I've showed my musically, gentle soul- and now, the cool, rational mind.

my thought processes work as follows:

1)First, distil Truth (throw away the false outcomes which are a product of fantasy) and categorize accordingly- as there are overlaps (which of the scenarios is based on perception (what one sees), which are based on emotional opinion (what one feels), and which are based on fact (what really is)

2)Secondly, of the remaining scenarios, identify which succinctly fit in all three categories correctly. (2 out of 3 works- and I tend to neglect emotion the most- since emotion is truly, the most unreliable quantifier, although this killed me, greatly- since it came to a point that I never knew how to express love, at all)

3)Of the scenario chosen, plan a response which is

a)Emotionally acceptable (it feels right)
b)Intellectually acceptable (it is logical)
c)Factually acceptable (it is based on facts)

I just had one major miscalculation- I became so attuned to thinking this way, until I neglected what I wanted- every action which came to my mind first (I dare say- one's impulse- is what one feels the most) was analyzed until I altered it completely.

This works for everything, but feelings, which are based on impulse- and emotion.

I am truly, a centre brain- I am somehow.. able to seperate my feelings and logic entirely (and pick and choose at will (until I fell in love so completely, meh)- it's really interesting, the way I think, and for the longest time, I thought everyone thought the way I did.. until now :/)

And so, right now- my mind is adjusting on how to behave with regards to feelings- since I have felt nothing positive for a long time (I'm not talking about happiness, or joy, or being zany, or a joker-I'm talking about honest, true heartfelt- deep emotion)

I do have emotions, but for the most part, I suppress what I feel (so what I expressed, in terms of worded deep feelings- is a mere shadow of what I truly felt), just to survive- since everytime I did try to share how i truly felt (most people went whoa, relax relax, chill chill)- I'm sick of chilling and relaxing without expressing everything.

It came to the point, when I was 17- that I believed that with respect to feelings, I was forever a born loser

I've always said I was a words person (a product of emotional neglect and abuse),
-and I am pretty decent with them-, prose, poetry, etc etc- the emotional nuances

But words are so, insincere- words just don't do justice, sometimes :/

Truly- music is how I convey my feelings best. Woe for myself- I can't play anything (and my voice, sucks- alas)

but I've always wanted to learn (although financial issues in my family killed me)

One day, I'll learn how to play the piano, drums, harp and flute- the four instruments which always fascinated me the most.

One day...

Actions (this is where I'm horrible, because I always feel terribly self conscious and embarassed (thanks to childhood insecurities and bullying).

I'll learn, since my soul is healed and restored now- but it takes time, oh time

Words can't express everything, but I do the best I can- and being personal scares the hell out of me. (since my greatest fears, are truly- rejection (the soul-consuming fear that tormented me for the past 14 years), betrayal, failure, and loss- in that order)

Ah, if I dare to write all this openly- I must be getting somewhere

You know, I've been so worried that I had Dissociative identity disorder/Borderline Personality Disorder since I was 18 that I did prodiguous amounts of research- but it doesn't make sense-

In all cases, I am my own host, I have absolutely no memory lapse (Attempted suicide case notwithstanding), and I'm actually really positive by nature, I'm not particularly anxious or depressed (at least, it only happened recently- but music saved my soul)

I don't really think in Black or White terms, (I much prefer grey, actually); normally my anger is checked- only when I'm pushed beyond my limits- I let all hell break loose, and all hell is- really all hell.

I don't feel empty- but I felt nothing (as in, when I decipher the depths of my soul- I feel nothing, until quite recently)

I conclude: I just have two facets (or subtleties, if you will) to my Self- checked by a limit (when happiness breaks and anger subsumes me); it's just that I go a step further from anger to desiring and planning vengeance (with style), although no more- since the Lord did.. heal me, and in a way I can never explain- showed me that a human, has no right to manipulate another. (He alone, has the right to vengeance)

And, I have simply suppressed my emotions for far too long, as a result of my emotional abuse (ah sucks).

More importantly- I think too much (as always)

But it's so hard not to think

In any case, I've concluded from this:

I, Grace- have an innate aversion for men in general. Period. (Now that my emotions are so clear, so crystal clear, and I see my past and everything else so clear- and how men physically abuse women, and how my father emotionally abused my mother, and how my grandmother (family matriach) emotionally abused my mother (she wasn't that smart..), and

how men make bets among themselves for women, and how men manipulate women, and how men tried to manipulate me (I have been pissed off for a long time, really.), and how basically these men are insincere because all they want is your benefits (ooh, a smart girl, she can help me- ooh, a funny girl, she can entertain me, oooh, a fashionable girl, she can improve my social status, ooh, she has wits, and so do I, we can match, ooh she plays politics, she can help me be a politician,)? Am I a piece of meat?)

Love? What Love? (Only the Lord truly loves me, at this moment)

Funny how karma is, isn't it.

Don't make me die of inner hillarity.

My life is a joke.

Songs, poetry, quotes, are things that I can do better than the whole lot of you- I am so thoroughly unmoved. (I feel so.. depressed really, when I see it- so devoid of sincerity)

and the sincere men (whom I've met in NUS) don't have what I want- my specific tastes and preferences-
(it makes me even more depressed, when I think about it)

I disgust myself.

Screw it! If I'm made that way I'm made that way. /shrug

Can't avoid them though, considering my course- and how Literature is so absolutely useless in society if you want to be a proper academic.

I am going to wear spectacles when I mix with people- and damn all-
(and look pretty when I'm alone, or with girls because we girls like to dress up
and you, if you will have me)

I'll just adopt in the future or something and stay with my two cats

I like Cats, really.

I'm still somewhat.. concerned with my style though- because that's who I am, so I shall keep the fashion, leave out the bling, and keep my spectacles on.

'Bout time I looked like what I want to be.

Lord, I spin my supplication to You- You know my heart's desire (which I will fight tooth, nail, and emotionally castrate all other men for if they dare to interfere), my real feelings, which do not, in the least- desire to live in a house alone with two cats

But in the meantime, I wait ever more- and I ask for Wisdom.

Wisdom seems to be the best thing at the moment.

I seek Wisdom, always and forever

Lord, I hate waiting, I'm the type of woman that would rather flee to somewhere quiet, and peaceful, and just spend hours gazing at the sea alone- for Peace

I love gazing at the sea, alone, because it alone (apart from You Lord) seems to understand the depth of my feelings, each crashing wave, soothes my soul

Lord forgive me, for compromising on my feelings, I'll never do that again-

and by not making it clear to men who think they have a cha- wait, I did, but they won't give up (Lord, grant me the ability to emotionally castrate them and their manipulative ways-

or was I not clear enough out of my inner insecurity?

words won't move me, ever)

2011-12-08T05:02:00.001+08:00

/a prayerful reflection- (I like Pslams, but not modern enough (heh)- and so I shall spin my own prayer)

I blog it, to show my open gratefulness, to He that Saved me

This is my own (Grace's) prayer- nothing to be copied, or followed, or imitated,or upholded

(PS: Make your own)

In any case, the Lord Jesus knows All, You saved my life, my soul- and literally- from death's door. For that, my Life (and talents, etc etc) are Yours- for Your glory. (so no more politics for me)

I Praise Thy Name Eternally.

Yet,

I am Human

And Flawed, so Flawed

Lord Forgive me these sinful flaws, which are greater then my virtues

Your Will above all- This is my eternal supplication- You deal, with Your hand, those who were responsible for my near death;

I have, by Your Grace, and Love, and more importantly- Joy - forgiven them entirely,
and Now, this Supplication I ask- You, deal with the relevant parties, I beseech You.

As You have tested me- test them

Seperate the wheat from the tares- those who love You, from those who feign it-

Those with hearts that seek no evil and lies, from those with hearts that do

Those who cared, from those who intended to break my soul

Those with hearts of repentence, from those who love themselves

Those who vindicate the oppressed, from those who oppress the weak.

Those whose hearts have goodness, from those whose hearts seek greed, and are filled with unending selfishness!

Those who are humble, from those who are proud, and heartless- truly so

Seperate the lambs from the wolves!

And more importantly-

Those who told the truth, the clear (unfeigned) truth

From those who lied, from the start

For I have lied, so immensely- my grades, my inability to concentrate out of jealousy, my pain, my emotions, my lustful, sexual desires- and I endeavour to speak the truth, I endeavour to lie no more

Oh Lord, Save me from the Lies of my own mind!

Lord Father of the fatherless, Healer of the broken, Saviour of the lost, King of Peace, Joy, and Mercy, Judge of the oppressed- You alone know what is best for me, and so if I have to- I will give up what I yearned so much for one-and-a-half-years, because I will not compromise on my Soul, not ever.

I have spoken the Truth, and now You deal with them

My heart yearns for Justice, always, and I did sought to manipulate them using the ways of the world- (I had a really good plan), but I have no right to do so, because I am not You

You, who alone- has the right to Vengeance

Who knoweth the very sinews of my bones- the very essence of my flesh-

The very corrupt nature of my flesh-fuelled flaws, so numerous- like a filthy rag, before Your eyes

Who alone, knew the tears I wept- in great torment, every night of my jealousy-fueled emotional anguish? (You hold each teardrop, in Your Almighty Hand)

Who sympathized with my inner pain, of heartbrokeness- Who comforted me when I was down?

Who saved my broken self from the clutches of Death?

Who knew me, even though I knew You not?

Who never gave up on me when I sought to replace Your Amazing Love with Money, with Politics?

Who restored my lucidity, Who kept me through all the years of bullying

Who heard my prayers, as I worshipped- and did supplication

Whose love overwhelmed me, when I was trapped in a cage?

Only You, and You alone- Lord Father;

Jesus, let Your Blessed Name be Raised, forevermore, in my heart and life

Save my soul, my heart, my mind, from the Evil One of Lies (Oh let him torment me no further)

Give me Strength, to face those who seek my ruin, those who desire to see me mocked, to see me made a fool of

Restore my intellect, to its fullest capacity- for I will use it for Your Glory, from now on (Even Philosophy, for I yearn to show truth)

I will continually stumble (For I have my own Pride, my Haughty eyes- which You despise- oh-so-greatly, and as a woman- we do love the attention of men, especially a fatherless daughter like myself)

But oh Lord, warn me, do not let me fall

Keep me safe, behind You, You who is like a pillar of enduring strength- Love unmoving, Faithfulness unchanging, Your love endureth forever

You saved me, over and over again.

I Praise You, oh Almighty Yahweh

Oh Lord of the moonlight, the never ending dawn, the Namer of the stars, the King of the valleys, the Crafter of every soul.

I Praise You, without shame, or fear-

for You alone saved me.

Hear my supplication I beg

For I fear, that I may place my love in the wrong hands

And save me, from my own emotions- my deep emotions

Save me, from a place so utterly devoid of truth and sincerity

Lord, You see the Truth-

Jealousy hath killed me

It murdered my very soul,

my spirit- my ability to study hard

It murdered my dreams

It recalled all the emotional abuse I fought to forget in my life

Grant me Wisdom, and bring my gentle spirit forth- that which has been suppressed for so many years

I plead, oh Almighty Lord of all Creation

Your Will above All else- and this I beesech

I plead, with all the songs in my soul:

If it be Your Will- allow for comprehension of this tormented soul

A tormented soul,

Who despises manipulation (of all kinds- except for self-defence)

and chooses Your love above all (even my Heart's Desire!)

I had enough of jealousy, of anger (I am but a woman)

And my strength is so weak,

so weak

I do not want to die once more

Hide my eyes- if I am not meant to see

Hide my ears- if I am not meant to hear

Seal my lips- if I am not meant to speak

Seal my hands- if I am not meant to write (type in this case)

Seal my mind- if I am not meant to think such thoughts

Seal my heart- if I am not meant to feel- my soul is weary, oh so weary

Do not torment my flesh anymore

I trust You First,

Help me put You First, for You saved my Soul

You brought me through the Valley of Death

Your jealousy is greater then my own

I will put You first- and You know the limits of my strength

Keep my emotions strong in You,

Secure me in You

Help me Trust You, and believe Fully that You will grant all my dreams and desires of the heart

Reassure me continually (every minute if You will!)-

my flesh is so, so weak.

Keep me blameless, like a child,

like a child, in the cradle, a cradle

Amen

2011-12-07T00:25:00.001+08:00

A Philosophical/Logical Explanation (the mind tries to conceive what it perceived, and attempts, to the best of its limited capacity- to explain... )

I'm still really, really confused (not in terms of clarity- but I seek the truth, the quantifier- between falsity and reality) about what really happened during my not-so-lucid moments:-

(Pardon the spelling errors- even a good writer is prone to the silliest of mistakes)

(I shall attempt to elucidate everything without mentioning Spirituality whatsoever, or Christianity- although I am now confidently, a 100% born-again Christian)

(The part about suicide, and pills, are a blur- like bits and pieces of memories, jumbled, fuzzy- like static from a very blurred television)

But I shall describe everything, in terms of perception (a phenomenal experiential state!)

It felt like an altered phenomenal experiential state, not so much a dream, or hallucination (after much consideration and research), because my logical, philosophical mind was still intact during those moments!

I felt pain, my physical senses registered touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound (music, oh glorious music)
(hence, my phenomenal -in the most philosophical sense- senses were still working.

Many times, I tested my own mind during these altered states of consciousness-

(Note: I was not under drugs then- I remember only taking Vitamin C tablets, and drinking liquids after I woke up alive, and I did not touch any anti-depressants after the hospitalization)

"phenomenal experiences", so to speak- caused by

1) zero spiritual meditation
(Hillsongs is so not spiritual meditation-since it's similar to a rockband of sorts)

2)zero psychoactive drugs
(I left NUH without taking any drugs- save one injection on my hand which hurt immensely- I'm scared of needles by nature, and another on my arm (an IV drip of sorts), and I overdosed on Paracetemol, apparently- a few days prior to the incident)

3)Zero meditative techniques
(Unless you count praying/dancing in praise with contemporary rock-sounding music blasting out of your earphones o.O)

Note: during this period- I did Math in my mind (I blame my Economic upbringing-simple math, mind you- like the square root of 121) to assure myself that I was sane.

(One of my favourite authors- Paulo Cohelo- went through something like this before, his experience matched mine perfectly, and unlike him- I have logic and Math, and most importantly- my religious beliefs, which saved my soul. (He was sent to a mental institution! And students of Economics and Philosophy don't go there. Ever.)

Biblical footnote: I would say, the Lord Jesus Christ saved my life with His Love and Goodness, but logical explanations cannot traverse the realm of emotion, so I shall leave this as a footnote.

In any case,there were instances when my mind felt fully alert, although the translated, subsequent actions became messed up when I attempted to evaluate the situation analytically (that was when I did stuff that was really odd on facebook-in terms of writing posts (come to think of it- illogical!),

but I had fun- because no matter what- I like to enjoy life, and I was really enjoying my own "phenomenal experience"- seriously, who knows if I got carried away, or not?) -

I only realized it wasn't really a dream when my facebook/blog posts were still intact- I was facebooking in my "phenomenal experience", you see- which left me stunned,a bit freaked out, but feeling quite intrigued; I have a very curious mind, you see.

I should have taken a screenshot /facepalm

I would do almost anything to analyze the electrical impulses (synapses) which ran through my mind and twisted my conception, my perception of the world, as well as the nodes of my mind, my brain, my intellect-which were lit up at that point of time (I read that there is one unused region in your brain that is never used at all)

Although, I must admit- that there are some things beyond one's comprehension

Biblical footnote 2: Like The Characteristic of the Lord, the Holy Trinity- and in particular, the Holy Spirit

There were instances when I felt alert and (more importantly), fully comprehending (The same feeling I get when I'm doing EC3101- Microeconomics),

and sharp as a knife (that was when I tried to get out of my house, akin to the feelings I get when I do EC2104 (Pure Math, basically) and get the right answer).

This occured particularly when I heard edifying music- particularly Christian music, although soul-deep instrumentals calmed my heart as well- think Nobuo Uematsu, and Yasunori Mitsuda, and (Alberto Iglesias's Supplication which soothed my soul so deeply, I could never explain it)

There were moments of extraordinarily lucidity- when I felt as if all my 5 physical senses (my motor organs, so to speak) were strengthened to a point so unthinkable, as if my physical and mental strength was extremely heightened. (a very, very odd experential state, to use the philosophical term)

During these interpersed moments of lucidity and alertness (which I suppose could be considered an unusual psychological state), I felt that my physical state was somehow overwhelmingly subsumed by my mental state of mind (a non-physical state). And yet, my phemenonal senses, and conscious state was present, and lucid!

This happened during the Court Case, on the 17th of November as well- when I felt this. (Ask me to explain it to you personally, some things can not be explained via a public blogging sphere)

And throughout all this- I had an undercurrent infatuation, which eventually faded away- into something else towards the same person (what it is, I can't say, but it felt deeper?); the more I presented my supplication.

Nontheless- with regards to this- I dare not trust my logical instincts, at all. (Not even now, but I shall go on blind trust alone- and wait patiently)

Normally, I don't move my arms in gestures of conducting/or expression- or basically, dance with my feet- because I am the most clumsy un-dancer on Earth- but somehow, when I feel music- in particular, music which touches the soul once again- I feel strengthened, in soul and spirit (literally!), My mind is clear, my heart is free, and I am oh-so-consumed by a joy and peace that transcends physical comprehension.

I feel as if, my very soul, is conducting the tenuous strands of music- as I pray, as I do supplication. With the conduit, being my phone (because it is my makeshift Mp3- and I have all my good music there- for now- only Christian music- the contemporary Hillsongs kind)

/shrug- many things I do not comprehend with the logical mind.

Biblical footnote 3: I do not speak of faith,for philosophical concepts have no room for faith.

And during these moments, I felt ideas entering my mind- unpleasant ones, regarding my country, my church, myself- I saw my own corruption and filth laid before me like a dirty rag, and as I read the Bible- I was drawn (as if, by chance) to verses- which blessed, and verses which condemned, (myself intially)

and then many days later (one week, to be precise)- I felt that the condemnation was not against myself...

I don't dare write what I feel/saw/phemenonally perceived with my phenomenal senses while in that experential state here- because I do not desire condemnation, nor do I seek to be justified or glorified or insulted (since I am but, Grace, who desires to pursue her academic/personal dreams)- I don't even know who I can share this to :/

Seriously, joy supersedes all.

Biblical footnote 4: Spiritual forgiveness, possibly, and a Christian brotherly-friendship type of love among both men and women (among friends, I speak not of other relationships), but 'it does not follow' in Philosophy- and so I leave this once more, as a footnote.

I indefinitely seek the Truth, at all costs- I have faced the worst- jealousy came a hair's breadth from killing my soul, my life, my spirit (this I proclaim with 100% absolute certainty;)- and yet, the Lord (who else?) restored my sanity, my logic, my sense- my Faith.

I will risk it (although I truly wish not to go through all that again)- I'll risk everything I prize for the Truth- even my soul itself- if I have to again.

(A gentle, prose/poetry- extremely musically inclined soul (in secret) but also a fighter in spirit who sees through manipulation as clear as glass- a thousand times over-, and loathes jealousy)

Do you have the audacity

(a "dare" sounds too fierce and mean -and manly to boot, and I'm tired of acting like a man to chill with men I feel nothing (seriously, I have felt nothing for a long time) for, just to pass the time. It was an entertaining experience- and nothing beats having a honeyed tongue sweeter then a flirt with a honeyed tongue ^^)

(Sidenote: good job though, I was seriously considering you, D as a fling to pass the time (we both were suffering from heartbreaks, no? And you hate commitment, and so do I- at least, until I broke down!) I suppose we could have been really serious if you knew how to get me right, you almost had me), but my biblical moral values, good sense, and innate dislike of flirtatiousness won over.)

Too bad you're an Atheist/Agnostic/Whatever who doesn't Love the Lord. /shrug

That, and you tried to compete with me in my own literary game (You're not even taking my course!- that I can't forgive (No hate, but it's a phrase)- say sorry; an anal writer will always be an anal writer) :D

(grumbles reluctantly. I'm still impressed by your writing and succinct use of imagery- to the reader: eloquentinbed.tumblr.com is an excellent mix of prose and imagery; in fact, I picked up a bit of technique from D- highly recommanded)

And our dreams are too radically different lah. Good try, but a mere try nontheless.

("guts" is just seriously not aesthetically pleasing to the eye; I'm not a piece of meat)

(Second sidenote: I did have a serious, serious, crush on one of my philosophy business ethics classmates who reminded me of you somewhat- but I keep falling for men that just refuse to make the first move, and those that do are simply not my type because they don't have the sincere character I like (not the strong silent shitz- I hate silent)

Alas, why did you not ask me out directly and drop all those hints instead? Why? Why? Do bold people always have to make the first move? Seriously? I'm a girl. I'm a girl and I hate making the first move, hate dislike hate hate detest hate hate hate extremely dislike hate hate hate hate loathe hate hate.

I shy. (Seriously) Like Bold people are emotionally shy you know.

Or what? I'm too smart? Do you know how flawed I am? I hate my hair. I dislike my eyebags. I dislike my large eyes- they are very scary when I look myself in the mirror. I hate how long I take to understand graphs vis a vis words.

(Meh.)

I want to be stick thin. (flat boobs and all stick thin- then I can run a thousand marathons and chase the sunrise forever and rest to the sunset- this is a metaphor, which I wish was reality.)

(I am serious, but nuuuuu- the Lord had to make me curvy. Who likes curves? I don't.)

I've always wanted small eyes since Sec 1. -pouts-

(Oi ,don't people know that small eyes go perfectly with glasses?! Do you know how scary big eyes look with glasses? I look like some discipline-mistress type you know. Not good for my rep.
I scare myself. )

I like being fair though. I like fair people. I liked dark once because I was horrifically deluded- I dare say that relationship (what the **** was it again? It was a really messed up imitation of love, because till this date- it remains one of the biggest regrets in my life. It ruined my perspective of men quite whole-heartedly. (No no sexual abuse or whatever, I'll kick anyone's b@lls if they dare)

(Okay the fair lady thing makes me amused but I think it works- vanity of vanities is so awesome)

to chase an engima (in proper style)

(well, that's what someone described me once, and I like it)

like myself? (the wind can be caught if it wants to be caught.. this is a literal metaphor- you can figure out the literal parts and the metaphorical parts)

(Be bold, brave :P, and honestly- I'm a female- though brave and bold and fighting and all else- I kept my emotions suppressed since young because they go so deep- and it's really scary to have such deep feelings about things that matter in life, to the point that my favourite place is really the sea, the unending deep blue sea- with its multifaceted river of glass, the melodic sounds of the ocean- the sound of the seagulls.. (this is why I love Tolkien so much you know, I always wished I could go into the West)

/sighs

And now everyone thinks I'm

a)Horrifically deluded for being so single-minded (one-track mind sorry very hard lah- and screw the insecurity in the world)

b)Mentally insane for breaking over something so trivial (not trivial to me eh)

c)Crazy (I never said my zany personality wasn't crazy, I thought everyone knew I had a crazy, zany, fun-lovin personality to begin with, why?! Hello? )

d) Fickle (Appearances, appearances, appearances- I'm fickle with respect to minor things only, especially colours and shoes, and being early is very very hard for me- sorry Dalilah!)

e)Having an overactive imagination (What? I've been studying Economics and Philosophy until my imagination almost died.. but during the three weeks (prior to the breakdown on 11/11/11 where I could not study at all- I did read voraciously to keep my sanity /ponders)

---------------------------

2011-12-06T00:42:00.000+08:00

As usual- I succumb to the fate of the writer once again, alas!

I think I shall just keep one blog, and maintain it- (I'm sick of concealing all of my heartfelt emotions in a secret blog- that is plain foolishness, t'was time that I be truthful, and honest with myself, and so I have deleted all the secrecy)

I'm still going to keep my facebook deactivated for the time being.

My phone.. if you text me and I don't reply- /shrug (keep praying, lol)

In any case, for the past 21 years I have been living a life of darkness, of false hope, of strength found in myself, which is so, so, flawed.

It took a mental/emotional/spiritual (if it touches the soul, it definitely can be called that) breakdown to show me how blind, how absolutely blind I was.

(I shall not concern myself overtly with vanity (girl still girl lah-still must keep a good figure) from now on, since I know exactly what I want- and these spectacles are my own to wear)

The old Grace, the one extremely concerned with beauty, with superficiality, with a strong fear of what other people may think, of power, of politicking, of human, flawed strength- is dead.

I'm renewed again, born again, so to speak- and the 'monotheist' is now a firm Christian once more- with a strong renewed faith. (The Lord restored my sanity, through His own ways, which words cannot begin to describe-imagine lucidity and surrealism mixed together)

(Anyway, Monotheism= One God, and Christianity does preach that there is One Lord -Trinity and all-

I feel like C.S Lewis, who went through some sort of spiritual awakening.

In any case, I went back to church on Faith (long story), and what I saw was.. intriguing. It seemed to confirm everything that I was praying for, was literally- pleading with the Lord to give assurance for; a sign so to speak.

I am not dreaming, right? -pinches self- (Must rely on Proverbs 3:5-6 more)

In any case- I'm so incredibly joyful- because it is true, it is! Delight in the Lord always, truly.

To some who think they have a chance with me, screw off, too bad! Quoting biblical verses/love song lyrics/ romantic quotes/ etc etc won't move me (oh please /facepalm, anyone can quote verses/lyrics, just google right??) and I shall make it clear- I despise emotional manipulators (who play off one woman against one, or two, or three) -a philosopher sees through that like clear crystal-, insincere b*stards, men so concerned with mere appearances, and above all else- flirts because my _________ , who had three affairs, was one. (and I caught him) Alas, alas for myself-

And it's just wrong.

I say with absolute certainty, you all have failed my "test". No matter how cheery, bubbly, fun-loving I am- I..have strict biblical principles (w.r.t romance) that I do my best to adhere (Christian upbringing, cough) to- and..

I bluffed my way through society to get away with my principles, that I did.

But no more- mon apologies, my drinking buddies, I lied (one thing I am incredibly ashamed of) through my teeth, 60% of the time.

I'm sorry lah, but Christianit- no, loving the Lord and trusting Him with a sincere heart, while sharing a dream similar to mine/studying something I can relate to exactly is the most important qualit(ies)y a man can have to me (there, I finally spilled the beans)
and uh, having that particular brand of strange humour which I think matches my even stranger sense of humour-

who seriously asks someone to watch a Lion King video when someone is infuriated?

This is the best part: it worked. (lol)

and those eyes...

Screw it, words (though flowing prose- though ideas, images, concepts, perceptions, feelings, emotions encapsulated in each minuscle syllable, each tone, each flowing word eununciated off one's tongue) is unable to fully express what I feel about you.

If everything goes well- I'll personalize a soundtrack or something from all the many many genres that I love (from rock, to orchestra, to jazz, to worship, to classical, to pop, to movie soundtracks, to game soundtracks, to ballads, to emo songs) and show how I have been feeling through music

Music, is how I best convey my emotion, my feelings- (although I can't play an instrument to save my life, or dance, because I'm so so so clumsy, or sing because my voice isn't strong enough, I've always wished I could conduct my own orchestra one day :P)- I love the tones, the echoing melody- which resonate with one's soul, the soothing strum of a guitar, the beat of a drum, the plink plonk plink of a harp, the grandness of an orchestra- together they can convey how I feel, in a way words can never work.

The right lyrics make me oh-so-happy

Mon apologies- I never show it- but I am as moralistic (and, equally flawed, if not more so) as Leo Tolstoy- after reading Anna Karenina at 16 and War and Peace at 17.

(/rolls eyes- hello, I tried to do moral philosophy for a reason.)

It's just that my humour is a brilliant cover for my innate feelings. /apologetic bow

Anyway, I have only spoken to one person in a personal, long drawn out online conversation.

Lord, Your Will above mine

Always.

(this doesn't apply to you Joshua, if you think two/three sentences were long, because I was frankly quite pissed off with you for daring to question my own faith with your own messed up logic (it never wavered, for the most part- but I just chose to pass it off as monotheism for the sake of philosophical meandering), and you wanted to pay me a house visit?! (after all that)

I'm slightly disappointed- I didn't expect all this (I wasn't supposed to break) to happen- my trust in humans, if anything- has dropped devastatingly, frankly.

And I'm above all else- most disappointed in..my flawed self. (Bit off more then I could chew, and seriously- not cut out for politics/political science- even if I find it intriguing, and my flesh is so, so, so, so, so,so, so, so, messed up)

Thank You Lord for healing me thoroughly- I dare say I ought to be beyond depressed right now/in the throes of a second suicide, but because of You and uh, Your ways, I'm beyond joyeous (!) and feeling quite blessed (!!) at the moment. Faith faith faith faith faith.

In any case,

Once everything is clear, I will return back and explain all, but I am indefinitely resigning as Publications Head in ENS,

(/edit on a later date: this was written when I felt that I was unable to cope with writing, but it turns out that I can't abandon something I started- I'm just born this way- if I start something, I won't end it- and if I have to, I'll end it with style)

because I want to focus on my academics.

/edit

I shall write my dream here- because I've had enough of concealing what I've always dreamt of.

I've always dreamt (had dreams, ideas, conceptions) of being a lecturer in a university one day

It used to be Literature, always Literature (which is truly something I have a natural aptitude for), until A levels made me despise Literature, due to the constant poetry comparison, (Tennyson, Yeats. Frost, Homer, and all the other greats seriously didn't write poetry to be compared with another poet -.-)

It switched to English, next- because I've always scored A1s and As for English and GP quite effortlessly (Thank God), and I've always read ahead of my time- but I felt that the scientific approach English in NUS took destroyed the very essence of English

Next, I switched to Sociology- because I like analyzing human behaviour, and comparing it with the ideal in my mind- but I loathed it once again, because it was too structural, and it was too entirely logocentric- trying to encapsulate commonsensical events in academic jargon, and I like clear-matter-of-fact ideas.

Lastly, (which I shall still pursue)- I settled for Economics- because it was practical- and something my father wasn't good at (poor business management=the path of foolishness)- but.. I began to lose my humanity (as I got more and more absorbed in Economics)- and I found myself becoming more and more selfish, more concerned with myself.

So, I took Philosophy- because I felt that it was an academic-one-level up-type version of Literature, and because I've always loved moral philosophy
(It was always one of my hidden desires to one day, go back to church, and teach Proverbs/New Testament type commands utilizing Kant (who is truly, the only philosopher I've read so far whose ideas seem to resonate with Christianity)
Hume.. somewhat but not quite :/

Philosophy kept me sane, with (some type of) morals- in this rather hopeless world.

And then, one day- it hit me (quite literally, in the mind, like a huge epiphany)

I wanted to combine both one day (in my life)- because the one flaw in Economics, is that it encapsulates humans (demand supply, cost-benefit analysis, etc etc) into numbers, quantites, values- and even tries to give a value to humanity, which is

impossible.

Morality (which I believe stems from Biblical/Abrahamic type values) can never be encapsulated in numbers, never. Graphs are passable , but words, music, ideas, are the best way Morality can be conveyed.

I still aim to be Professor Yaw one day, by hook, or by crook.. :/ (Sorry Lord, but a dream is a dream and if you've been dreaming since young..)

Lord Jesus, I place my life, heart's desire, emotions, hopes, and ambitions (which you implanted in my mind at the age of 7- which I didn't believe at all) in Your hands.

PS: I always thought I looked very ugly in spectacles, which is why I never wore it anywhere, if I could help it :/ I blame my past bullying for that, but that is all sunk now ^^

I'll still wear contact lenses for nice occasions!

and honestly-I look like #$%^&*()*()_ in pictures, really- I don't understand why (which is why I privated my entire album on facebook, sorry, I girl= the vanity of vanities lah)

Besides, I think what is truly cool about one's physical self is one's own style (must seriously cut down on the gaudy accessories, which are unable to accurately reflect that-and are seriously getting in the way of my studying)

/does an Oscar-Wilde type flamoyant bow

(there are some other things words can never explain openly, but I have tried my best to explain the not- so-personal bits)

And I have to admit- I have been fighting an inner battle since young- the sloth versus the hardworker- I'm extremely lazy when I'm lazy, and extremely hardworking when I'm hardworking, and truly, I prize joy, love, wisdom (still working on it) in copious, yet equal amounts

I'm so flawed-in many other ways besides, but humanity is flawed- our very flesh screams it.

My last supplication, oh Lord- Grant Me Justice- You know what killed me. You deal with it personally, I beseech, I beg You!

Joy and happiness is the most subliminal thing on Earth.

----------------------------------------

In any case, I will keep fighting, for what I truly believe. (Lord Jesus You guide my path as You will, this is my own belief)

I know what I want in life now, and I'm not a quitter by nature (Don't let the b*stards grind you down, I say)

There will always be hope, always.

Grace is back- and with a vengeance for life (Gentle feminine, extremely-musically inclined soul+ fiery fighting spirit= me)

with even more style ;) (Okay lah, love conqueres all. Alas, but justice must be meted out :/- though not at my hands, for I have no right, whatsoever.)

I guess I'll still drink on and off, since alcohol is seriously essential for the joie de vivre- and in any case, my alcoholic ban ends this friday ^^ (and I really, really love chilling out at rooftop bars- just observing the night sky, the stars- just comprehending the beauty of the universe at night)

(But I won't get myself dead drunk, my poor liver!)

No clubbing though. Sorry. Love the beats, hate the overtly sexualized music, hate the groping, hate the crowded atmosphere, love air, freedom, breezes- brrrrrrr.

I will keep fighting (for my dreams and all lah). Until my last breath, and beyond

2011-12-04T03:52:00.000+08:00

No facebook, because I have had enough of it

Am taking an internet/mental break (I will still hear music though, now that I am restored my computer), but I shall keep blogging, because I love writing, and prose.

Mental time out. If anyone wishes to contact me, you know my handphone number- it is seriously quite spoilt , because out of frustration I threw it on the floor, and stuff, but it still works here and there (at least, in the ways which I need the most) /cough.

I may not reply, sorry.

------------------------------------------

This is my final post, because I think I'm tired of blogging (openly) and facebooking (it's very annoying when people want to ask me out to find out what's wrong with me and I really don't know how to explain everything), for now-

This describes me perfectly:

"She keeps thinking she can explain things in words," Mrs.Who said. "Qui plus sait, plus se tait. French you know. The more a man knows, the less he talks." (alas, for I am female, and I am cursed to chatter, but now I shall chatter with substance)

-A Wrinkle In Time, Madeleine L'Engle

A fool has many words in his/her mouth, and now I pursue wisdom, knowledge, and truth.

And this is what I have been doing, and I will keep on doing:

Vitam impendere vero. To stake one's life for the truth.

And before I sleep-

"Trust in the LORD and do good, dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and he will do this;

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently before Him, do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their evil schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath: do not fret- it leads only to evil.

For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the Land."

Psalms 37:3-9 (The Bible, NIV version)

/edit: Love never, ever forces reciprocation- love (though jealousy kills, tries not to be selfish), love sets free (but hopes)- to bless, to protect, to help, to forgive, and above all- Love turns to the Lord Jesus for guidance.

Love tries to wait patiently- and looks to the Lord like a child, like a weaned child

My last quote- (since I like to end my blogging life with style)

"Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned."

Song of Songs 8:6-7

Lord save my soul.

Refer to song: Jesus take the Wheel, by Carrie Underwood.